Anna and Brad's Wedding Blog

How Anna and Brad Met

2007-03-14T16:07:00.000-06:00

Anna and Brad have a friend named Gigi:

As you can see from the preceding picture, Gigi is taller than a kitchen counter.

She is also, among other things, taller than a piano keyboard. As such, Gigi decided one day that it was time to play the piano in Brad's living room. She summoned all of her closest friends to Brad's house. They would eat cheese and drink beer, and when Gigi played piano, they would clap heartily.

Among those friends was Anna:

From this picture you can see that Anna is serious about chewing her food. Especially her cheeses. Note her drooping eyelids and unfurrowed brow. Chewing good cheese brings a sense of peace and well-being to Anna. It makes her think of the Cheese from which all cheeses are derived, the ideal cheese. Anna thinks that she would like to try that Cheese one day.

Brad also came to his living room to listen to Gigi play piano:

From this picture, you can see that Brad is wistful about beer. This is because he is swallowing a sip of beer. Sipping beer inspires a wistful mood in Brad, for each sip of each separate beer can only be realized in its destruction. This is so with other sippable or swallowable substances (excluding pennies, rocks, and bubble gum, all of which according to urban legend are not digested), but most so of beer. He consoles himself with the fact that it is only through further successive sips of beer that the ideal of Beer in and of itself can be further realized and updated.

While no photographic documentation exists of the actual meeting that day, this is commonly agreed upon to be the first time that Anna and Brad met. One can see that they already have much to talk about

As such, Gigi takes the credit for what followed. If you ask her, she will credit the fact that she is taller than a piano keyboard for their impending wedding. One cannot fault her for taking this stance, as it is inherently valid.

Where are Anna and Brad registered?

2007-03-14T09:42:00.000-06:00

One day, Brad and Anna were sitting across the apartment from one another. At least one door was closed between them, but both of them wished to talk with the other. As such, they decided to use an Internet-based device called Instant Messenger.

TheBradVantage: Registry?
AnnaChronistic: Yes..
TheBradVantage: But... like for voting? But Anna, I did that.
AnnaChronistic: NO. not like for voting. People do it for gifts. For weddings.
TheBradVantage: Really? Companies give you gifts? For getting married?
AnnaChronistic: Not companies--
TheBradVantage: Like corporate endorsements, like NASCAR? I want a Cheez-Its patch on my suit jacket!
AnnaChronistic: Brad.
TheBradVantage: Do you think they'd give us free Cheez-Its for after the wedding? Like a bathtub full?
AnnaChronistic: Brad. Stop. We're not having corporate endorsements for the wedding. The registry is so people can know what to get us.
TheBradVantage: Oh.
AnnaChronistic: They can go to the store or the website and there'll be a list of things, and if someone else picked a thing on the list, it'll be marked off.
TheBradVantage: But... doesn't that seem like we're asking for things from our guests? Corporate endorsement is one thing (one glorious, cheesy snack-crackery thing... mmm, Cheez-Its...). But asking guests for gifts, well, I don't know.
AnnaChronistic: Well. I think we want to make sure no one thinks we're asking for gifts. What we're asking for is for them to come to the wedding and celebrate with us. But you know that people do get gifts for the bride and groom traditionally.
TheBradVantage: For real?
AnnaChronistic: For real. And if they do, what if they all got us totally awesome chip-and-dip platters?
TheBradVantage: We could hide them in a backroom, and thank everyone. It would be thoughtful anyway right? A gift is a thoughtful thing.
AnnaChronistic: Absolutely it would be really thoughtful of everyone to give us wicked rad chip-and-dip platters. But if they ever found out that we had a backroom filled with identical chip-and-dip platters, each as gnarly as the next, well, they might want to have gotten us stuff that other people didn't get us.
TheBradVantage: Oh.
AnnaChronistic: Make sense?
TheBradVantage: For the most part. How do we let people know?
AnnaChronistic: Best man, or the maid of honor it says.
TheBradVantage: what about in the blog? Is that kosher?
AnnaChronistic: I'm not sure, we'd better hold off on that.

Anna and Brad are registered here:

www.target.com
www.crateandbarrel.com
www.bestcrystal.com

Groomsman bio III --Matthew Demarest

2007-02-20T13:36:00.000-06:00

It has been argued by many that Brad's older brother Matthew is, in fact, a machine. This is an understandable assertion, but nonetheless an inaccurate one.

Matthew is, to be more accurate, an industrial process plant, transforming raw or unprocessed "crude" materials (most notably oils, humor, and "crudites" - assorted small pieces of vegetables easily dipped in a sauce and snacked upon) into composite byproducts used in various petrochemical processes, adding to the creation of everything from asphalt and lubricating oil to tacos, diesel oil, and mid-grade bling:

Matthew's first start-up cycle was at the Port Arthur site in 1978, 28 years ago today. In his many years of continuous service, he has produced over 5,000,000,000 drums of byproduct. However, those of us with close ties to Matthew as a processing plant are proud to say today also marks 10,000 man-hours without a work-place injury.

Matthew Demarest -- good for the economy, good for the environment.

Good enough... to be Best Man.

Groomsman bio II -- Andy Balajadia

2007-02-09T10:29:00.000-06:00

Andriano Balajadia (literally "Buckhead-Baby Lives-by-the-Sea"), friend to the Demarests since college, was born with the head of a stag, and the body of a dressed-down middle-aged man, complete with sleeveless undershirt. This sleeveless undershirt has the distinction of being impenetrable by soundwaves, X-rays, detergent, and most dining utensils. When you see him at the wedding, be sure to ask him about this undershirt -- he's happy to show it off. If you persist, he might let you have a go with your salad fork.

Andy was born and raised on the island of Guam, and is of the group of people known as Chamorro. The Chamorro people have lived in relative peace for decades with both the mainland Americans who began co-inhabiting the island after the Second World War, as well as the traditional island sharers, the Guamish -- renowned for their dour beach attire, beards without moustaches, and pitch-black horsedrawn surfboards.

By the time Andy was a senior in high-school, he was widely known not only in his village of Yona, but throughout the island as his superhero alter-ego, the "Guam Power Authority", due to his career in solving crimes, as well as protecting the crucial kelaguen trade routes that run the length of the island. However, after an unseemly brown tree snake incident that caused Andy (as the Guam Power Authority) to have a series of blackouts, Andy decided that the mainland of the United States needed to taste his glory.

Don't fear though, island of Guam -- The Guam Power Authority will return -- and those brown tree snakes had better watch out, because this time it's personal!

For more information about the Guam Power Authority, go here:
http://guampowerauthority.com/

For more information about brown tree snakes, go here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_tree_snake

For more information about kelaguen, go here:
http://www.guamdiner.com/recipe/recipe.php?recipe=74
http://www.chamorro.com/postings/cookbook.html

Groomsman bio -- John Hazinski

2007-01-31T12:26:00.000-06:00

John Hazinski: (1908? -- present).

As seen from the picture above taken during John's eighth grade year, John favors the piano, as well as the white linen suits (when weather permits), large black sunglasses, and a moustache.

John also favors the jaunty headwear, and it should be noted that he makes his hats himself from all-natural flax and llama fur.

In the image below, you can see John instructing the youth of River Forest in the fine art of the "funk". Note how the youths struggle with the funk -- the saxophone player is barely able to keep his footing when confronted with such funk as this.

In contrast, observe how John doesn't even bother to read the sheet music, staring directly into the audience. Note his cool, relaxed demeanor, even though constant exposure to the funk has turned his leathery pelt a hideous ashy grey.

Further, note the winter hat that John has just recently put the finishing touches on.

All of these skills -- funk, role modelhood, haberdashery -- will make John a contender in the competition to come. While he is considerably older than the other groomsmen, his constant training will force Matt and Andy both to bring their best game.

While John is based in River Forest on the outskirts of Oak Park , IL, you can see him most nights in one or another of his signature haunts in Chicago's historic South Side. If you do, please be sure to tip him well.

For more specific John Hazinski information including gig dates and favorite influences, please go to www.bluelinejazz.net.

Grooms and groomsmen

2007-01-22T17:41:00.000-06:00

When Brad arrives at Pleasant Home for the ceremony, he will need to have been bathed in the juices of freshly harvested Javan limes and salts of the calmest of seas, shaved with a seashell razor, festooned with garments woven by moonlight, pomaded with the most serviceable of discount pomades, shod in shoes sewn from the leathery rinds of the muscadine, and handed an orange parasol.

His steed will need to be bridled, shod, bleached for maximum whiteness, and blanketed for maximum riding comfort. The blanket will need to have been handmade within 7 days of the ceremony itself in order to be a functional steed blanket fit for a groom's matrimonial rump.

Who will do such back-breaking, soul-cripplingly physical labor?

The groomsmen:

John Hazinski, Andy Balajadia, and Matthew Demarest. All must needs be good stalwart men.

One man, however, must prove himself even better than the other two, in order to earn the title of Best Man.

Competitive events will be conducted live via teleconferencing technology, including but not limited to:

Red Rover (who among ye can rove the reddest?)
Typing (speed)
Freestyle Beatboxing
Faberging of Eggs
Barbequing (both meat and vegetarian options to be included)
Swimsuit
Typing (accuracy)
Jumping Jacks
Pre-formatted beatboxing
De-faberging of eggs
Typing (flair)
Faberging of gourds

But first, a few words about the groomsmen and their origins are in order...

What will the last name be?

2007-01-17T09:37:00.000-06:00

Anna and Brad know when some people get married, they change their names. Thus, they have begun a conversation about whose name might change, and how.

Ideas on the table:

1. Anna's name to change to Demarest, Brad's name unchanged.

Pro: Bumps Anna up in alphabetically arranged lines by 4 whole letters for easier access.

Contra: No one will know who she is when she runs for president, because so many achievements have been ascribed to the Hazinski name. Also Anna is not French, and cannot pass easily for it. Demarest is French.

2. Brad's name to change to Hazinski, Anna's name unchanged.

Pro: Bumps Brad back in alphabetically arranged lines, providing much needed time for contemplation of morals and ethics.

Contra: Brad has such an exquisitely developed cursive capital D, it would be a shame to deprive the world of it when it is most in need.

3. Anna and Brad to hyphenate names -- Demarest-Hazinski, or Hazinski-Demarest.

Pro: The union of two such mighty names as these will spell the demise of any potential rival families, as it would take so long to write slanderous graffiti that the law authorities would surely arrive in time to incarcerate.

Contra: If criminals caught in middle of act, only half of family properly insulted, leading other half to feel slighted.

4. Anna and Brad to engage in portmonteau -- H'Demazarinskiest.

Pro: Wicked awesome.

Contra: Makes others cry when they look at their own name in comparison. But then maybe the world should learn a bit of humility in order to properly receive the gift of this name.

And if this one's too long for the Scantron, well Scantron had best step off and add another character field or some such.

Verdict: Option 4 ratified.

What Brad should NOT wear

2007-01-11T17:23:00.000-06:00

After careful reflection, Anna felt that perhaps Brad should pursue other options, with regard to his attire on the day in question.

When she voiced her concerns to him, Brad listened attentively, and promised to try out other colors and styles to see if they might better accommodate the occasion.

Together Anna and Brad knew they could find a solution that would make them both happy, and each left the conversation with a new appreciation of the other's thoughtful and open conversational manner, even in such stressful times as these.

What should Brad wear?

2007-01-11T15:33:00.000-06:00

Anna has said that Brad doesn't need to wear a tuxedo.

Brad still wants to wear a suit though, and thought he would try this one out.

He likes the idea of baring his intentions before the congregation, so that they can see what he's made of.

Some might call this a gutsy move.

Not Brad. Brad knows that demonstrating his whole-hearted commitment demands nothing less.

Where is this "wedding"?

2007-01-09T17:28:00.000-06:00

On the corner of Pleasant St. and Home St. stand two houses -- Pleasant Home and Unsettling Home. Anna and Brad considered being married in Unsettling Home at first. There were goats on the lawn, and burned sofas, and strange clanking sounds and wails and green flashing lights from within.

However, the Unsettling Home had unacceptable stipulations:

Guests had to be shorter than 1' ;
If male, guests had to have at least two fistfuls of beard, naturally grown, by the day of the ceremony;
If male, guests were to wear red conical hats;
If female, guests were to wear blue-green conical hats;
(hat swapping across gender lines expressly forbidden)
Guests must arrive riding atop a fox, also naturally grown (hormonally enhanced foxes expressly forbidden);
Guests must be Dutch.

Brad is a little Dutch. Anna is not Dutch at all.

The wedding, then, is at Pleasant Home.

217 Home Avenue
Oak Park, Illinois
http://www.oprf.com/phf/

When is this "wedding"?

2007-01-09T17:26:00.000-06:00

September 29th, 2007. Rumors had been circulating via the World Wide Web that the date was occurring in the following spring. These rumors were falsehoods though. May they never be spoken of again. Never! Never again!

Who Are Anna and Brad?

2007-01-09T17:01:00.000-06:00

As you can see from the image above, Anna and Brad are two people who wear green shirts. They enjoy wearing green shirts, as evidenced by the smiles on their faces. They also enjoy each other's green shirts.

Due to their awareness of their mutual enjoyment of green shirts, and the enduring foundation for a relationship that this signifies (green being the colour of renewal among other things), Anna and Brad have decided that they will each marry the other, simultaneously. As this is a rare event, they have decided to invite their friends and family to witness said enactment of marriage, or "wedding".